When you don’t know why people act or do what they do, the most helpful first step is to check in with yourself.
Soothe yourself. Remind yourself: “I do not have to know why this is.”
There are forces at play far beyond your control, influence or knowing. And even amidst the world’s worst atrocities, people can still manage, eventually, to find peace, love, and meaning within themselves.
I don’t know for others.
And when I don’t know for myself, I can let go.
I can be curious.
I can ask what I do know.
And I can do my best to express it.
Here are a few simple examples:
Someone responded with irritation in their voice.
Why? I don’t know.
What matters is how I respond:
I could make up a favorable or unfavorable story in my head. But that isn’t the truth. That isn’t them. I simply don’t know—and that is okay.
I could listen to their words, allow them responsibility for their emotions, and trust they are capable of managing them. If there is something I need to know, they can tell me. By doing this, I show trust in them and stay focused on living my own life.
I could respond with curiosity and a loving perspective: “It feels like you are upset. Is there something I should know?” This reassures me that my actions weren’t hurtful or misinterpreted, while inviting understanding through kindness.
Or, I could let curiosity be colored by judgment: “Why are you acting so upset?”—a question more likely to wound than to connect.
Something hurtful happens in the world.
Why? I don’t know.
What matters is how I respond:
I could try to make it stop by obsessing over what people outside my influence should or shouldn’t be doing.
I could take time to soothe my own feelings and drop into my heart to regain perspective. (The C.I.F.T. Tool and Define Your Lane of Responsibility Tool will help. See Client Resources tab. Password: normalhumanstuff)
I could share my hurt with compassionate people who hold space for my emotions as I process them.
Or I could share my judgments with those eager to amplify the wrongness of others, the world, its leaders, or their supporters.
